The Legend of Derag
by omnipotent otaku
Summary: A story about Link's son, Ganondorf's daughter, and MarySues! Are you ready for some bashing? Lack of real plot. Oneshot.


Story: The Legend of Derag

Notes: I'm just here to make fun of those "Omg, I'm (insert character's name here)'s kid I'm a gunna save and/or take over Hyroole, lol" type fics. There's also Sue bashing. One-shot. Flames acceptable.

Link's Son's Name Origin: Derag -Deranged minus a few letters. Clever, is it not?

Disclaimer: Link isn't mine, but if you want Derag, you can have him.

* * *

One sunny morning in the land of Hyrule, a boy named Derag woke up from a peaceful sleep. He stood up and stretched. His father Link entered the room a moment later.

"Good morning, Derag," Link said. "What are your plans for today? Are you gonna fight the evil infesting Hyrule? You know that I can't because that always happens whenever children pop up in this fandom."

Derag had no clue what his father meant, so all he said was, "I think I might just relax at home today, Dad."

"Oh, alright then."

"Hey, Dad? Can I ask you something?"

"Sure, what is it?"

"Who was my mom?"

Link looked at his son thoughtfully and said, "I'm not really sure. I've done just about everyone, male and female. That wasn't really my fault though. Stupid badfic authors."

"Daddy, I think you're a whore."

"Thank you for pointing that out."

Suddenly, Ganondorf entered the room. "Did you get my letter?" he asked Derag. "You were supposed to meet me at the Spirit Temple so we could have a fearsome battle of doom."

"Can't you fight my dad today? He's the Hero of Time." Derag said.

"I know he is, but he's useless after he has clones," Ganondorf said.

"I'll get you two refreshments," Link said, and he left the room.

"What do you mean by clones?" Derag asked.

"You look exactly like Link. Haven't you noticed? And it isn't even that parent-child likeness. It's... exactly the same."

"How utterly perplexing!"

"Careful using such big vocab, sport. Your brain might implode."

"Oh."

Link entered the room again holding a tray containing two cups of tea. Following him was a very pretty girl. "I think she's your mother," Link said to Derag.

"My name is Harmony," the girl said.

"Nah, I think it's Mary-Sue," Ganondorf muttered.

"Wait, what?" Derag said, confused.

"I'm your sexy mother from another world, of course," Harmony said. "Would you like to come to my High School?"

"Oh, let the kid be," Ganondorf said. "C'mon Derag, let's get away from the fandom rape... Well, actually, you're part of it. Oh, this is a baffling situation. What to do?"

"Take him with you," Harmony said while wrapping her arms around Link.

"No, please stay here," Link said while trying to pry Harmony off of him.

To no one's surprise, Zelda entered the room and said, "Derag honey, it's time for your bath!"

"Princess Zelda? What are you doing here?" Harmony inquired.

"I'm here to give my son a bath, Mary-Sue," Zelda said. "Although... I don't remember giving birth."

"He's _my_ son."

"No, he's _mine_."

Malon materialized in the room and said, "No, he's mine!"

Ganondorf, very much annoyed, used his l33t skillz to toss the girls out the window. "Finally, peace and quiet."

However, to everyone's annoyance, a girl fell from the ceiling and said, "Hi, I'm Ganonina, and I'm Ganondorf's daughter!"

"Let's make babies and save the world!" Derag exclaimed.

"Oh, let's indeed!"

"Derag! No baby making until you're at least fourteen!" Link said. "I mean, c'mon, you're only ten."

"_I'm _legal," Ganonina said. "Does that make it ok?"

"I need to save the world!" Derag shouted dramatically. He poked Ganondorf in the eye. "Haha, take that!"

"Son, I think you've gone mental," Link remarked.

"It happens, Link," Ganondorf said while rubbing his eye.

A portal appeared in the floor and a girl popped out and said, "Hi, I'm Julianna, and I'm Derag's Kokiri lover!"

"Link, do you have some aspirin or any other drugs for me to overdose with?" Ganondorf asked.

"Yes I do, and let me join you," Link said. They left the room together.

"Look, I found the Master Sword!" Derag said, holding said sword up.

"And I got Light Arrows!" Julianna said, holding said arrows up.

"And I got boobies!" Ganonina said, staring at her chest in surprise.

"They're very nice," Derag said.

"Mine are better," Julianna said, sticking out her chest.

"Are not," Ganonina told the Mary-Sue.

"Are too."

"Are NOT."

"ARE TOO."

"ArE noT."

"aRe TOo."

"CaPS LOcK RapE, oMG, lOl!" Derag cried. "Now, I'm gonna go find my daddy!"

Derag entered the kitchen to find his father and Ganondorf both dead, surrounded by fifteen empty bottles of assorted drugs.

"NOOOOOOO!" Derag shouted.

"It looks like they killed themselves in a ferocious battle to end all battles," Julianna said. "Just look at those terrible non-existent wounds!"

"Daddy, I will avenge you!" Derag said to Link's corpse.

"Father, I will do the same also!" Ganonina said to Ganondorf's corpse.

"I'm gonna see what Dark Link's up to," Julianna said, and she disappeared in a puff of smoke.

In a flash, Derag and Ganonina were in a large field. The sky was overcast, and there was a damp wind blowing.

"I shall avenge my dad by killing you!" Derag cried.

"I'll kill you first!" Ganonina yelled.

They each drew a sword. Since it was a very dramatic scene, flower petals were flying about. Then, lightning flashed and rain stared to pour down from the heavens. Derag and Ganonina started their fight. Ah, and what a fierce fight it was! Derag swung his sword all over the place, and Ganonina hacked and slashed away. The fight lasted until the next morning. When the sun rose, both fighters looked to see what damage was done (you see, they had their eyes closed when they were fighting because they're dumb), and they noticed that they were ten feet apart.

"So, I was really-" Derag began.

"-fighting nothing?" Ganonina finished.

And thus they both died from exhaustion.

"Omg, yes, he's sleeping!" Julianna, who was suddenly there, said. She dragged Derag's corpse away into the bushes.

Link and Ganondorf suddenly woke up.

"What happened?" Link asked.

"I think our kids died," Ganondorf said. "The fandom is at peace for now."

"Praise God!"

"Link, don't put religion into fanfics."

"Oh, right sorry."

Harmony entered the kitchen and said, "Oh, Link! Our son! I found him dead and raped! I-"

Link hit Harmony over the head with a frying pan, thus knocking her unconscious.

"Well, see you Link. I need to go back to the Sacred Realm where I was sealed, because that's what happened at the end of the game," Ganondorf said.

"And I need to find Zelda so I can go back in time, because for some reason I didn't go back in time and I'm still fifteen," Link said.

"Wait, so that means you had Derag when you were... five?"

"Oh, shut up."

Ganondorf smirked, and then left the house. "I wonder how I came to posses my own normal not-in-a-tree house in the first place," Link mused. He shrugged and went off to find Zelda.

THE END

* * *

I'm sorry it's so short. I lost interest XD

Sooo... yeah. Tell me what you think.

Have a nice day!


End file.
